So there you are, standing with some friends, drinks in hands, talking and laughing and having a good time when you see her. She’s with her own group of girls, maybe three of them, and they also seem to be having a blast. She clearly isn’t there with a guy, and she’s looking great. So—what do you do? Clearly you’d love to go over, start up a great conversation, and go from there. Odds are, however, that you’ll most likely stay where you are, shooting covert looks at her, trying to work up the confidence and gauge if she’s looking at you as well, and then feel a wave of regret when either somebody else goes up to her or she leaves with her friends to hit a more happening place. What should you do? What’s the best way to approach a strange girl at the bar?

First thing you have to realize is that the number one thing that anybody reacts to is confidence. More important than good looks, your clothing, what drink you buy, what you do and any compliment you could give her, confidence is the sweet turn-on that everybody responds to. Think about some of the less attractive guys out there that draw women to them, from Humphrey Bogart to Mick Jagger to that friend of yours who somehow always seems to be dating a girl that you’d never guess would be interested in him. What do they all have in common? Confidence.

So if you go up to her, hemming and hawing and not looking her in the eye and sweating bullets, odds are you’re not going to do very well at all. Realize that it’s perfectly natural to be nervous, but don’t let your nerves wreck your style. Go up to her and be yourself, and you’ll do fine.

Because odds are she’ll not be interested. She won’t be. Maybe she already has a boyfriend. Maybe she’s interested in girls, or her father just died, or she’s having a girl’s night and is already annoyed at the five other guys who have just finished hitting on her. Maybe she likes really tall guys, or incredibly athletic men, or really digs the emo look. Maybe she’s just not in the mood, or any other thousand of possible reasons. You have to understand that it’s not necessarily up to you whether this encounter will work, but that it also depends on a hundred other potential factors. So understand this: if she shoots you down? Don’t worry it about. If you approach in a friendly, open, and confident manner, then odds are it’s nothing you did or have any control over.

But say she’s at the bar to have fun, and is open to meeting somebody, and that somebody could be you. What do you do? Drop all the tired gimmicks and lines. Realize this—if there’s going to be chemistry, if you guys are going to get along and be into each other, than all you have to do is say ‘Hi’ and smile. If she turns and looks at you and likes what she sees? She’ll smile and say ‘Hi’ right back. If she doesn’t? Then no number of lines and tricks would change her initial impression, and though perhaps through perseverance and drinks you could eventually win her over, why would you want to work so hard when it should be fun and enjoyable? Avoid uphill slogs. If you’re starting to feel uncomfortable and ignored, just smile, tell her it was nice talking to her, and leave.

The point is this: there are an infinite variety of women out there. Each with their own unique personalities, likes and dislikes, quirks and habits and personal contexts. There is no silver bullet that will guarantee to make all of them like you, so the odds of your approaching a completely random woman and having it work out perfectly just because you liked her smile are pretty slim. But, conversely, if the chemistry is there, and you guys have plenty in common, then all you have to do is walk up, say ‘Hi’, introduce yourself and ask her if she’s having a good time so far. And if the chemistry lights up? Enjoy yourself, be yourself, and have a good time.